I'm the one that's hurting
by BuckyJames
Summary: After Stiles is seriously injured by an Alpha Sheriff Stilinski decided to relocate to Chicago. 5 years later and Stiles returns and he has to face the people he left behind. Slow start, rating may change.
1. Goodbye apathy

**AN: Huge thanks to Mitch for being my Beta, as always I like to dedicate my first chapter to those that helped me. And I'm really sorry if I make any of the characters to ooc. I will try my best.**

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He didn't want to come back, not really. He would have much rather stayed in his nice little apartment back in Chicago. There nothing bad ever happened, at least not very often. Stiles let out a heavy sigh. He squeezed his eyes shut tight for a second, before opening them and staring at the road in front of him again. It was early in the morning; too early for Stiles in all honesty. Still he refused to sleep in his car. Instead he had opted for the option of staying awake on various energy drinks and coffee. Reaching a hand out he turned the music up louder not really listening to the words while letting the beat keep him awake. He could just imagine his father's angry voice lecturing him about driving when tired. Stiles was never really good at listening.

By the time Stiles reached the edge of town the sun was finally rising in the sky, and it finally dawned on Stiles just how tired he was. It wasn't just the fact that he had not slept the night before, but the days of worrying and panic were building up. Stiles didn't hate Beacon Hills, the town just brought up a lot of unwanted memories he would rather forget. It didn't take long for Stiles to pull up in front of the small although neat motel. It wasn't a hotel and it certainly didn't try to look like one, but it was the best looking place that Stiles could afford to stay at, for now. Turning the engine off, Stiles sat at the wheel for a minute just staring at the street. Slowly the town was coming alive, and in some way it made Stiles feel a certain longing.

Running a hand over his face, Stiles yawned before grabbing his bags from the passenger seat and getting out. It was significantly colder outside the car, but Stiles thought that might have something to do with the fact that it was mid Fall and soon winter would be upon America. Stiles dragged his heavy feet up the few steps and pushed the door open with another yawn. The place was empty despite the fact that the door had opened with the jingle of a bell. No sooner had he thought those thoughts a middle aged woman came from a back room with a bitter smile that told Stiles that she did not like mornings, but did anyone really? He told her his details and paid for the room for the next week before taking the key and walking back out. For a minute he contemplated moving his car so that it was outside his room, but right then all he wanted was a bed and a pillow and something to keep him warm.

The room was better than Stiles expected, but it was no hotel and that was for certain. The curtains where a tacky shade of yellow and the covers on the bed looked like they were belonged to the 60s, but Stiles said nothing. As tacky as the room was, he was too tired to care. Locking the door he kicked off his shoes and pulled of his jacket, he intended to throw it on a chair but missed completely. Within seconds he was on the bed and under the covers trying to pull as much warmth from the blankets as he could.

Stiles didn't dream a lot, but when he did they where usually forgotten by the time he was awake. As much as he tried to sleep, Stiles just couldn't let go. He was afraid that if he did, some nightmare would come back, and the last thing he needed was someone pounding on his door asking why he was screaming. He hadn't screamed during his sleep in years. As far as Stiles was concerned it would remain that way. Although another part of him was afraid that at any moment the windows and doors would be kicked in and someone would come in demanding what he was doing back. There was that constant fear that his old friends, most of which were werewolves and could easily smell him, would come knocking and then he would be faced with some emotional showdown.

So maybe Stiles was scared of facing his friends after almost 5 years of no contact. At first he had promised to stay in touch, but even Stiles knew that was a lie. What little contact he did have with Scott or Lydia, the latter surprising him since the two were never really close not until the very end of his life in Beacon HIlls, was done through email and even then it was only the simple 'the new house is great' 'school really sucks' 'checked for werewolves, there were none'. Eventually Scott and Lydia stopped replying, and Stiles ran out of interesting things to say. He had so many things to say though, it was just hard. How do you tell your best friend that you've made new friends, or you're old crush that there might be someone new? Stiles could have talked about friends and love and all those things that teenagers have and done, but it just wasn't the same. Stiles suspected that Scott knew that and that was the reason why he stopped asking questions.

When Stiles awoke it was still light out, and it took him a minute, or maybe two, to realize that he had slept through to the next day. Rolling onto his back Stiles stuffed his hand in his jeans pocket and fished out his phone looking at the time with a grimace.

_Too bright, too bright. Ugh too early more like it._

Ideally he would have stayed in bed for another day or maybe even a week. Anything really to avoid going outside, but he was hungry and he still had the bitter taste of coffee on his tongue. Stiles sat up and ran a hand through his hair before smiling to himself. There was no reason to be sad, after all what was the worst that could happen - besides being eaten by an angry werewolf?


	2. I want to go, home

**AN: Thank you to Mitch for being my Beta. Here we see Stiles act a little more like Stiles. I don't own teen wolf though I wish I did. **

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It had been one week since Stiles had returned to Beacon Hills. So far he had managed to avoid running into anyone he knew. His luck, however, ran out. He was walking back to the motel with some shopping. It was just simple winter clothing because the weather had taken a turn for the worst. He had tried to duck his head and turn around in the other direction but he had no such luck.

"Stiles" a perky voice rang out and Stiles pulled back into himself and closed his eyes. He prayed to whatever God there was it was just a dream.

"Stiles" the same voice called. Only this time it was closer and the young man opened his right eye to look at the redhead before him. He had been caught like a child with its hand in the cookie jar. What was worse was that it was Lydia meaning there was no escape. So like the helpless person he was he stood straight and gave her a sort of smile.

"Lydia, so lovely to see you" while his words sounded strained some part of him actually meant it. At least it was better than facing someone like Scott or Jackson or even worse, Derek. He was wrong to assume. The first thing the redhead did was smack him across the arm with what Stiles could only assume was werewolf strength.

_Great another werewolf to worry about, what did Derek do? Turn the whole rat pack?_

"Hey watch it, not all of us upgraded to werewolf!" His voice took on a lighter tone. Despite the previous weeks of worry, Stiles actually found himself somewhat comfortable around his former crush and friend. That was until he saw another familiar face walking to them; this sudden happiness vanished into the wind. Jackson pulled up alongside Lydia wrapping an arm around her waist like it was nothing. For a minute, Stiles was reminded of all those times in high school when Jackson would make it obvious who Lydia was with. There was something in Jackson's eyes that told Stiles that he didn't see him as a threat anymore. It sort of made Stiles' stomach flip and not in a good way. It was Lydia who spoke first, completely ignoring the fact that Jackson was now added to their awkward conversation.

"How long have you been back? When did you get here? Why didn't you write back? Why didn't you let any of us know? I was worried, you know?" Her words came out a rush and the pang in his chest made Stiles feel a tad guilty. He realized that Lydia had wanted to stay in contact. Maybe the two were closer than he originally thought.

"I, ugh, things got busy" Stiles gave a sheepish smile unsure of what excuse to use. They all seemed rather stupid and unbelievable. Instead he did the only thing he could. He opened his arms and smiled, a real smile because he was sort of happy to see Lydia even if she was a werewolf now.

"So do I get a hello hug or is your boyfriend going to chew my leg off?" Stiles might have been a bit more reserved, but he missed making dog jokes. Jackson only raised a perfect eyebrow, and it took Stiles a couple seconds to realize the man had matured. He had expected a growl, maybe some comment, but instead all he got was a darn eyebrow. He was definitely going to make more dog jokes now.

Too caught up in trying to think of ways to torment Jackson, Stiles was taken aback when Lydia launched herself at him and hugged him. It took him all of 3 seconds to wrap his arms around her tightly. Looking up he met Jacksons glare and without hesitation he stuck his tongue out.

Pulling back Stiles looked down at Lydia realizing he was a few inches taller than her, and she must have seen it as well because she reached up ruffling his air.

"You've changed" was all she said before turning back to Jackson, who took up his earlier position of having one arm wrapped around her. Without another word they turned and started to walk back down the street. It was then that Stiles felt like he had been kicked. Was that all he got: A hug and then nothing? Heck maybe it's what he deserved. Although it was Lydia, if she could forgive Jackson for acting like a dick then she could forgive him, right? Then just as if it were being rehearsed Lydia looked over her shoulder towards Stiles and gave him a look like 'what are you waiting for' before speaking.

"So are you coming?" and without any real hesitation Stiles walked after them shopping still in hand. It was strange really, but Stiles didn't question it. It was nice for a minute, to be with the people that had once loved him.

_Oh god, the people that loved me. As in more than one, as in pack meetings as in Scott and Alison and oh god Derek._

"Don't worry Stiles; we're just going back to our place. The rest of the pack is busy for the day." The redhead must have seen the look across his face because Stiles was sure he was making a face. It wasn't that he didn't want to see the rest of the pack because he did. He just wanted to take it one step at a time.

The walk back was awkward and Lydia kept giving him glances while Jackson ignored him; nothing new there. A couple of times they asked questions and Stiles was glad to answer, more so than he had done in emails anyway. He waved his hands about as he talked and before he knew it he was actually talking about his life. He spoke about College, dorm parities, and how the first time he got drunk was on St. Patrick's Day. He talked about movies and how he changed majors three times before deciding on American History & Culture. By the time he was finished, they were at their house. Yes, a house, one with lots of windows and a nice lawn. Somehow Stiles was jealous because he was living in an apartment that he shared with 2 other guys. Then again Jackson was rich and from what Stiles could make out Lydia was too. She mentioned something about writing a paper and winning some awards, but their names where too confusing for Stiles to remember.

It was all a blur. Before he knew what was happening, he was sitting on a dark leather sofa with a beer in his hands looking at Lydia and Jackson as they sat across from him. The thing was while he was talking he didn't feel like it was important, none of it was. Sure, he had gone to parties and met some great people, but it was nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing supernatural. Even though Lydia had not talked a lot on the walk back, he knew that she had left college early because she was super smart. He suspected that she earned her own fair share of money. Jackson was still a rich asshole, but he was calmer and more relaxed. Moreover Stiles wanted to know when Lydia got turned and why Jackson was so calm and if they were having fun being werewolves. He wanted to know about the alpha pack that had attacked not only him, but his friends. God, he wanted to know everything that he missed over the last 5 years. Surprisingly, it was Jackson that leant forward and smiled at him.

"Listen, I know it must be awkward with not seeing each other and us never being close, but we did miss you. All of us." It was all too real, too confusing. So Stiles set the beer down on the table and stood up rubbing his hands together like he did when he was nervous.

"Look I don't really know what to say, I mean I could totally talk about myself, but part of me knows that it's just like any college movie. I mean with the assignments and hot chicks playing Frisbee and really there is nothing that I can say to make my life sound remotely interesting. And in all honesty I didn't really think I would run into anyone and… and" Stiles threw his arms into the air before falling back onto the sofa. Looking up Stiles suddenly found Lydia sitting next to him with a look on her face that said she understood.

"Stiles, everything you say is important, just because it doesn't include…. supernatural creatures, doesn't mean you're life is boring." She smiled brightly at him. For a second Stiles believed that what she was saying might be true. He opened his mouth to thank her but his words where cut off when the front door opened and a very happy and smiling Scott stepped through. So much for taking it one step at a time.

And why the hell was his ex-best friend just walking into people's homes?


	3. Trouble haunts my mind (Flashback)

**A/N: I'm not going to make some lame excuse for not updating; instead I'm just going to say sorry. Don't own Teen wolf. I have Scott feelings okay? Chapter is unbetated **

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In all honesty Stiles didn't expect anyone to come and visit him, not now at least. So it was a surprise when after spending two whole by himself in a hospital bed, Scott walked through the door. He wanted to be happy that Scott had come to visit him but instead the only emotion he could muster up was sadness and a certain bitterness that followed. His father hadn't mentioned anyone visiting him, but even his father couldn't be around all day. Still Stiles suspected that it was the first time any of the _pack_ had come to visit him.

"Don't even start Scott" Stiles sounded bitter, heck he felt bitter but he had every right to be pissed at his best friend. At least that's what he told himself.

He had been the one to sustain the most injuries out of all of them and okay maybe it was due to him being human but that was still no excuse. the memory of lying in the middle of the road shaking and wishing for death still swam around his mind making everything toxic. Some part of him thought that maybe being so close to death had poisoned him making him unable to feel anything good, because the last two days where far from good. They where Hell, no correction; Hell would be nicer. If it wasn't the pain it was the sadness that had rooted itself in his heart and bloomed like some unwanted weed. Every time he closed his eyes Stiles was met with nightmares and not just the everyday nightmares. The fight with the alpha pack had shaken him right down to the bone. Never had he felt so scared and alone and it only got worse when his father asked him if he was okay or when the nurse came to give him medication. He was weak: a weak, sad, pathetic human that could do nothing more than lie in a hospital crying.

His father never once asked why he was crying, only kept asking if he was okay.

"I... I'm sorry, my mom was freaking out and then Allison was missing and then the whole pack had to meet up and... And it's just been crazy" Though Scott's voice was taking on a distressing tone Stiles could do nothing but roll his eyes. Some part of him felt guilty, he would always feel guilty that's just who Stiles was. However he remember that the boy – yes Stiles was going to refer to him as a boy because there was something about Scott that reminded him of a child that was just lost and looking for answers – standing in front of him was meant to be his best friend but also be there for him.

At a later stage Stiles would regret how he acted and spoke to Scott but at the time he was happy to bask in the dark sadness that had seeped into his soul and made him sour.

"I'm tired Scott, and not just because I spent 3 freaking knocked out. I'm tired of the nightmares, being scared, and pushed around... Do you know what it feels like, to wake up each morning and be scared because at any moment your friends could kill you? Yes okay I get it you're a werewolf and things must be hard but for fucks sake Scott that doesn't mean it's any easier for some of us humans, for me. What about us human huh? What about Lydia who went out of her fucking mind thinking she was crazy, or how about your own mother who was kept in the dark. How about my dad who I've been ignoring because it's easier than looking him in the eye and lying. What about all those humans that died or the ones that are sitting in their home blissfully unaware that at any moment they could be killed by supernatural creatures?"

Stiles really had no idea where it all came from, okay so maybe he had some idea because he had spent the last couple weeks scared out of his mind hiding Wolfsbane under his bed just in case. It wasn't however until he woke up in the hospital that Stiles realised just how scared he was for his own life. Scott did nothing but stare at his best friend in silence letting his words sink in, it was a shock to say the least. Usually Stiles was cool about his feelings, he didn't really give too much away which was fine with Scott.

"What about me Scott, your best friend. You know the one that gets knocked about and forgotten?"

"Hey I never forgot you!" This time it was Scott that was angry, he had spent days trying to pick himself up and put the pieces together. However he realised that it was much harder than Scott realised and just days in he found himself lying in his bed sobbing because life was horrible and he was only a teenager.

So when he arrived at the hospital to find that his best friend had finally awoken Scott thought that perhaps life could get a little better. His mother might have grounded him for life and he might have lost a lot but he still had his best friend, right? The werewolf was taken aback by the sudden outburst and his moment of peace and happiness vanished replaced by anger. He had spent the previous evening listening to his mother cry and sob and yell at him about everything and part of him had died a little that night. The days before that where no better and he was sure that Allison hated him forever. Thus having his best friend yelling at him was the last straw.

"I thought you would understand, you of all people would understand what I've been through" Scott's voice dropped but it still held a certain ruthlessness to it that made Stiles pull back a little.

It had been a long since he had seen the werewolf so fired up, so sad even. It was like someone had just given him a puppy only to be told he couldn't have it. Stiles didn't want to feel bad, he really didn't, and he just wanted to get some hidden emotion out. He had hoped that maybe Scott would understand the pressure that Stiles was under but the way Scott was reacting took both teenagers by surprise.

"You're calling me selfish after everything I've done to help you?" In contrast, Stiles voice sounded broken. It not only hurt to talk but his heart ached, something inside his chest pulled and tugged and made him want to double over and sob and be the child he was when his mother died. He realised then that it didn't matter what would happen next, something between them had snapped and broken. Like a piece of string that had been pulled to thin for too long. Their friendship was broken and it made Stiles want to be sick but also weep.

He, the werewolf that was, tried to remember what it was that had brought him to the hospital in the first place. Maybe it was some deep desire to see the only person in the world who didn't judge him like the rest, or maybe it was some longing for a familiar face. Now he felt like fleeing. Running and never looking back because some parts of what Stiles had said where right. He had neglected their friendship a little and he had no idea what it was like to be a human among a pack of wild beats, but that didn't mean Scott was a total idiot. Scott gave his best friend a knowing look, one that said that they were both right and that something between them had shifted. It wasn't just a shift, like moving a book to another shelf; this was one shift that made both teenagers relook at their relationship. The metaphorical book had been placed on another bookcase in another town far far away. It was Scott who made the first move by dropping his face as a sign of sadness.

Stiles went to open his mouth to say something, maybe not an apology but something to lighten the blow. Scott was his best friend after all; their friendship wouldn't be over because of one fight. Yet he found himself opening and closing his mouth like a fish, his brain unable to find any words that could soften the blow. Out of all the words and phrases and famous movie lines that Stiles remembered, he could not for the life of him think of one that really fitted the situation, fitted them.

Their friendship was a complicated one that no one, not even themselves, understood but it worked out in the best of ways. Until now that was. They were stuck at a cross road and neither knew what way they wanted to go let alone where they wanted to go. Is that what their friendship had come down to? Metaphorical quotes and bullshit lies, fighting and yelling at each other, had they neglected the reason they were friends in the first place.

Without saying another word Stiles turned to his side, lying on his back had not been an option in the 5 days he had been in hospital, and closed his eyes. It was a silent message that Scott understood all too well. Stiles preferred to ignore the problem until it went away, but he knew that the problem would never go away. Friendship just didn't end, it wasn't some bad tv you could cry over then move on. This was real life and Stiles had just lost one of a few people that knew him, the true him. Scott had been one of the few people that Stiles had trusted with his life, and now that friendship and love was over. He hadn't lost someone since his mother, the main reason that Stiles refused to get close to anyone.

Stiles had lost a best friend, but most of all he had lost a part of himself.


	4. I'll be cold as a stone

**A/N: Because I myself feel guilty, here's another chapter. Unbetated. Yes I know Stiles seems a bit out of character here but it is explained later on. **

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Guilt, it's a strange thing that's what it is. It has the ability to work its way inside of you and twist your organs around until it makes you crumble. Guilt has the ability to eat at you for not only days but years; it builds up under your skin until at the last moment it burst in a mixture of pain and self loathing. It will make you want to throw up and cry and hide in some darkened corner where no one can see you.

Guilt has the ability to bring the strongest of men down to their knees; and that is what Stiles felt like in that moment. Watching his former best friend walk through the door a wave of memory hit him forcing the human to sit down before his knees gave out. For the past years Stiles had been living in a little dream bubble and now reality was smacking him in the face telling him to wake the fuck up.

So at some point during his visit Stiles had expected to run into the pack; heck it was the reason he was back, to make amends and try to move on. However Stiles had hoped for a little more time before he was faced with his biggest demon, maybe a week or maybe 5. Either way Stiles had hoped to leave Scott to last because he knew that it would take a lot to rebuild the bridge that was symbolised their friendship. Like maybe a whole forest and a few hundred men working 9 to 5. The last time he had seen Scott was when Stiles had told him that he was leaving for a short time while he recovered. That had been almost 5 years ago.

Stiles was faintly aware that someone was talking, yes words where floating around the room like little dust motes but he couldn't figure out what they were saying let alone who was saying it. There was no static or the rush of blood in his ears it was just silence; deadly silence that echoed his mind. Turning his head, something he felt forced to do, Stiles glanced up at the frozen statue that was Scott. Breath, he told himself. He needed to breath, and speak, and move, because he was human and he had no need to be frozen in fear. This was Scott, the same Scott that had been his best friend since before his mother had died, but also the same Scott that had left him for dead in the middle of the road.

He was dimly aware that he was nodding his head, or shaking it, and swallowing, and breathing. Then like a train had hit him words filled his ears and Stiles blinked once to look up. Suddenly the room was filled noisy, tension, and several pairs of eyes staring at him. By several he meant a lot because while he had zoned out other people had filled the spacious living room.

_This isn't what I wanted, not all of them at once. _

The same line swirled around his head again and again and Stiles did nothing but stand there looking at the faces that where once his friends. Some looked annoyed others surprised, but what made his heart the most was the hurt on Scott's face. Swallowing the frog in his throat that felt more like a mountain Stiles stood up on shaking legs.

"I... I'm sor- sorry" He stammered out feeling his own voice break and in that moment he wanted to run to Scott, and Lydia, and Erica, heck he wanted to run to all of them, hug them tight and tell them he was sorry. However Stiles was smarter than that and he knew that a simple hug would not repair the damage that all of them had did, Stiles included.

"I should go" He muttered quietly afraid that if he spoke any louder his voice might break like glass which is exactly what he felt like. Fragile glass that at any moment would break, see through and predictable yet there was something about him that could hurt people. Stiles was a glass statue and he was just waiting for someone, mainly a werewolf, to come along and break him into a thousand pieces. It was silly but it was also a fear that has set inside of him when he left Beacon hills.

Stiles was always scared though he did well to hide it from everyone and most importantly himself, he had managed to convince himself over the last years that he was a happy grown adult and that nothing could hurt him. Stuffing his shaking hands into his jacket Stiles pushed past the crowd of people wondering when so many had turned up. He didn't stop but he did slow down when he passed Scott and the werewolf's hurt only made Stiles wanted to pull back more. It made him sick to think he had hurt Scott and he was only seeing the damage now 5 years later.

He wasn't sure how it happened but he down the front steps not even taking notice of the people that crowded around front door, that it was almost dark outside, or the fact that the wind was kissing his cheek in a way that burned. All of Stiles's attention was suddenly on the figure in front of him; tall, dark, and mysterious something right out of a romance novel and that would make teenage girls wet their panties. All it did to Stiles however was make him freeze like he had seen Medusa, and part of him tried not to snicker at the thought of Derek being able to kill people with one stare. His thoughts were cut off with one simple word and it was enough to snap Stiles out of his day dream and continue with his plan of leaving and going to die in his motel room.

"Stiles" He sounded calmer. That's the first thing Stiles noticed, the second was that Derek wasn't wearing his typical leather coat but rather a deep blue, you could say black but Stiles refused to say it, coat that reached his knees. It was a fancy one, those you seem bank investors and wealthy rich men wear during winter. For a second Stiles glanced up and to the house which is when he realised that the home didn't in fact belong to Lydia and Jackson but rather Derek.

It only made the younger man realise how much he had missed while he was gone, but he wasn't going to voice his thoughts just yet. Instead he gave a short nod holding onto the fabric inside his coat pockets so his hands stopped shaking even more, and he took the last step onto the grass.

"I guess I'll see you around?" Stiles tried to laugh, he really did do his best attempt, but the sound that came out was a cross between a sob and a hiccup and Stiles was sure he saw something pass over Derek's face. Instead the older man just grabbed his arm as he passed. They shared a look; not romantic, not even sad. It was one that screamed 'I understand and I forgive you' which only made Stiles's stomach flip even more and he was sure that he would never forget that look. He'd have nightmares about Derek looking at him so pitiful, they where the worst kind of nightmares to be honest. Nothing was sadder than seeing someone take pity on you; nothing was sadder than seeing someone look at you like they understood your pain but didn't voice it. Oh how Stiles wanted Derek to voice his thoughts. At least then he could argue back but all he could do was lower his own eyes in a submissive way and pull from the grasp.

"Not today okay" His voice had evened out a bit but it was still shaking and Stiles suspected that it wouldn't vanish until he was safely in his motel room under the blankets crying.

Stiles wasn't angry, nor was he mad, or sad, or any of those other emotions. The only thing Stiles felt was guilt and it ate at him. When it came down to it: Stiles had left never to return. He was so scared and so alone that the only option, in Stiles's opinion, was to flee. His father had gone willingly suggesting it might be good to start again.

So he did that: he ran away never to look back again and now he was walking down the street turning his back on the people that had once meant so much to him because it was easier than facing him. Perhaps he was a coward and in all honesty he would wear that insult because he himself knew it was true. Only cowards ran away and ignored their problems.

The wind rushed by him, a car honked in the distance, the sun was setting, and everyone was going on with their lives when Stiles felt like his life was starting to fall apart. It was funny really; the world going on while millions of people dealt with their own drama. He briefly wondered if God was having fun watching everyone fall apart.


	5. Lord knows I failed you time and again

**A/N: Unbetated. Hope you enjoy. Don't own teen wolf.**

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The third knock was harder than the earlier ones but it didn't stop Scott from moving from his bed, well it wasn't his bed technically but it was the one he used when he slept at Derek's. Despite everyone having their own homes, apartments, and lives everyone still seemed to radiate towards the pack home. Scott thought at first that Derek would be angry but he seemed to welcome the idea. After the 7th knock the person behind the door gave up and the werewolf listened to the footsteps retreat down the hall. Whoever it was, he really had neither interest nor the energy to find out who it was, could have just turned the handle and walked in but Scott suspected that they left to give him room.

He was a little angry he had every right to be but most of all Scott was hurt. Like finding out that your pet dog didn't run but actually died, or that your friend talks about you behind your back. It was a hurt that settled into his bones and made him feel numb all over. Stiles was back and from what Scott could smell and see he had been back for several days. There was no denying that their friendship had come to an end but Scott still had hope that if Stiles ever did come back he would let Scott know. Apparently he was wrong. With a heavy sigh that was a just little over dramatic Scott pulled himself off the bed and towards the hall.

When he first saw Derek's place the young werewolf almost laughed, it wasn't a bad just shock. Everyone had assumed that Derek would just renovate the old Hale house and move in there but when he sent a mass text to everyone asking them to meet him he was taken aback. Part of Scott understood the reasoning: he refused to go anywhere near his father's favourite food places or spots after he left but eventually Stiles told him he couldn't let someone that wasn't around control his life.

Derek's house was clean cut like something straight out of a magazine but it still had qualities about it that made it different and homely. Like the vast collection of werewolf books, or the weapons that lined the basement wall, not forgetting the ridiculous amount of beds and emergency clothes that where in the spare rooms. Scott would always call his apartment home but in a strange way Derek's house was also his home, it was confusing sometimes.

There was a shuffle and hushed whispers coming from the kitchen which Scott found strange because the house was usually buzzing with sound which meant they were all gathered for a reason. A tight knotted lodged itself in Scott's stomach as he walked the steps down to the first floor. Without any shoes or socks on he found the floors cold, strange considering that he had done it a million times before and it never bothered him. On the bottom step he stopped scrunching up his nose and closing his eyes. He needed a minute before he walked into the kitchen because while he didn't know what they were talking about he had a good idea.

It didn't matter though because Scott could never prepare himself emotionally unless he suddenly decided to stop caring all together.

Making a face he walked to the kitchen stopping in the doorway. When Derek first moved in there was only a small table that could occupy 5 people but over the years it had been replaced by countless other ones. Some tables where broken during fights and others simply became too small for pack meetings, currently they had a large round wooden table that stuck out like a sore thumb. Several heads snapped and turned to face him when he entered the kitchen but they all turned back to the discussion at hand. It was clear to him that some people where utterly lost and confused, Scott couldn't blame them really they hadn't been there 5 years ago. Since Stiles had left the pack had grown and shifted that at times it was hard to keep track of. Currently they sat at a total of 19 pack members: 9 of those had been turned by Derek, 1 by Peter, heck one was Peter when he decided to show and the rest where either human or other werewolves that simply decided to join.

Sighing he sat himself down on a chair that was left empty for him and quickly he placed his hands on the table top perking up the conversation around him.

"No Lydia, you should have alerted someone, sent a text message for God's sake" Derek tried to sound angry but Scott could hear the underlying sadness and tiredness that seemed to bleed into his words.

"Well I'm sorry if I wasn't thinking of the whole pack when I saw a friend I haven't seen for 5 years walking down the street!" Lydia promptly banged her hand on the table following her words sending vibrations through everyone.

Scott flinched trying to pull back he was still emotional stunned and more than a little upset but he was also trying to prepare himself for the emotions that would hit him soon. He was just doing a good job of pretending to be calm, any moment now he would be ready to break. It was little embarrassing that all it took was seeing Stiles for no more than 5 minutes to make him an emotional mess.

"Scott!" A voice snapped and the werewolf perked his head up blinking his thoughts away.

"Huh" was all he let out and Erica huffed in response. The blonde werewolf had grown up a lot amount in 5 years but she still had the patience of a 6 year old, especially when it came to Scott. Looking around the table he found all eyes turned on him which in turn just made him want to pull back into himself and go back to his room at the top of the stairs and pretend like his best friend never came back. Yes he could do that, pretend nothing ever happened, hadn't he been doing that for the last few years?

"Did you know anything about this? I mean did he leave you a message or ring or something?" This time it was Isaac that spoke and Scott was surprised that he couldn't detect any emotions in his voice, it was just flat.

"What no. Don't you think if my best friend since childhood that left abruptly 5 years ago had tried to contact me I would be over the moon? You guys would have all heard about it" waving his hand about he shifted in his seat suddenly feeling uncomfortable about the subject.

See the thing was that Scott never really told anyone what happened, everyone was well aware that Stiles had been hurt but he never told them about the hospital. Or about how he had made a promise to Stiles to come back for him, or the fight they had just 2 days before Stiles left, or even the fight they had on the day he left. After the hospital it all seemed to go downhill and Scott had never forgiven himself. He wasn't stupid despite what people thought, he was just kind hearted and easy trusting. Which is why he felt so disgusted with himself every time he thought of Stiles. He had left his best friend for dead then yelled at him, then yelled some more. Never in his life had Scott treated anyone like that and to this day he had never been able to say sorry. The guilt had eaten at him for 5 years.

Looking around Scott let his eyes study the werewolves around him and he briefly wondered if any of them knew his secret, if any of them felt guilty as well. Straightening his back Scott looked Derek directly in the eye and using his second in command voice, because yes somehow Scott had made it to second in command, he stated clearly.

"This is a private matter that not everyone needs to talk about"

For a frightful second Scott thought that Derek might growl at him and say something about pack, Derek was all about the pack sharing secrets now a days. It made him uncomfortable at times. Instead the older, and the oldest out of the group, simply started at him trying to read some unspoken message before turning to the others in the group. His head cocked to the side and he made a growl that came deep from his chest before all the other wolves vanished from the room in a hurry of legs and arms. Scott looked around for a minute with wide eyes, what he really wanted was just for the wolves that didn't know Stiles to leave but apparently Derek wanted something more private. Maybe his Alpha understood the situation more, or maybe he didn't want to get blood on the others before killing him. Either way Scott was a little scared.

"You need to stay away from him" where the first words that Derek spoke once he was sure that the other werewolves where scattered around the house. The younger man twisted his head from staring at the door in silence to staring at his Alpha with shock and anger.

"What? No way man!" his voice rose a tad more than need be but Scott didn't apologize for yelling, he had every right to.

"No, you will stay away from him Scott and that's that" Derek opened his mouth to say something else but was stopped when Scott banged both hands on the table in rage.

"Heck no, you're asking me stay away from my best friend whom I haven't seen in 5 years... at least give me a reason"

"He's scared, you all where. Now is not the time to be getting in emotional conflicts when have pack business to take care of first" stopping for a second before sliding in the chair across the table Derek lifted his hands in defence.

"Listen Scott I don't know what happened between you two but believe me when I say this, if you go seek him out now you two will only end up fighting" Something in his voice sounded lost and pained like he had firsthand experience and Scott wondered if maybe he had lost a best friend as a child, before the fire.

"But its Stiles man, I can't not see him not after all this time" Scott sounded pained like a child that was told that they had to go on family vacation instead of going to a friend's birthday party.

"No" This time Derek sounded more like an Alpha and not a friend, his voice rough and grown up and Scott only felt more like a child being told off. He was 23 years old and Derek held no blood relation to him, so as far as Scott was concerned he had no authority to tell him who he could and could not see. Letting out a frustrated puff of air the younger wolf turned his eyes from Derek's face to actually stare right into his eyes.

"No" it was one word filled with so much determination, loathing, and need that it actually made Derek pull back for a moment. In which Scott had successfully stood up and began walking to the door like he would actually hold true to his word and visit Stiles. Though he doubted he could actually go right at the moment mainly because he needed to get back home and cook dinner and possibly go to bed having horrible dreams about his Ex best friend. A loud crack drew his attention away from him trying to remember what was in the fridge to Derek leaning over the kitchen table eyes bleeding red, Alpha red.

"Scott you will not go and see him" The darker haired man paused for a second before looking over Scott's shoulder to the rest of the pack that had somehow shown up and stating very firmly.

"None of you are. Whatever happened 5 years ago you all had a part to play. We have more werewolves joining our pack tomorrow and the last thing I need is for a bunch of over emotional werewolves running to me because their friend wouldn't play nice. Stiles is back, well good for him, but he must have a reason and we should just let him do what he wants to do without interfering. If he wants to talk to you" Derek looked directly at Scott as he spoke the last words. "He will. But he's scared and I don't mean scared of getting into fights or yelling... he's scared of what we are. It was clear to smell on him, heck it was clear to see on him. So before you all go assaulting him and making him have panic attacks, take things slow"

Nods and sighs passed around from werewolf to werewolf and while most looked unhappy they didn't want to challenge their alpha, not when they knew that he was right.

"If you so desperately need, I will go talk to him. We weren't as close and if he yells at me I won't care. You guys however are just a fight away from turning into day time television" With that Derek straightened his back and walked from the room like nothing ever happened. No stares, no trying to get them to agree. He just walked out the room.

Soon after the rest of the pack vanished and Scott could just make out the sounds of Lydia and Jackson getting in their car and leaving. Isaac was upstairs trying to listen to music but by the sound of it he was having trouble locating his iPod which is when he began arguing with Erica about touching his stuff, seconds later Boyd showed up. Jason and Max where in the backyard doing something, and Alice was getting her coat ready to leave.

All that was left was Scott standing in the kitchen feeling utterly alone, lost, and like he had been kicked in the stomach. Stiles was back and he couldn't see him, couldn't talk to, couldn't make contact. That however was not the worst part, because as much as Scott fought against Derek and sometimes hates him he knew Derek was right. Whatever had caused Stiles to leave, and Scott knew there was more that the human hadn't told him, he had a major part to play.


	6. We've been living life inside a bubble

**A/N**: Unbetated sorry for any mistakes. Thank you for all the comments. News on Alison will be revealed later on in the story. Stiles is actually studying more than one course but that will be revealed later. And as to Scott taking all the blame, well Stiles does have a larger part to play in their friendship ending. But that's all Spoilers.

It wasn't like he liked the kid; in fact Derek felt nothing for the 23 year old human male that had saved his life so many times that it actually hurt a little. In Derek's mind Stiles was foolish and childish and so full of pain he wanted to wrap him in something soft and tell him to stay inside. Stiles was fragile but in a human way, sure his bones could break and Derek was fully aware that Stiles had been hurt badly. There was something else though, something deep down below the layers of his skin and bone, below the muscles. Something inside Stiles that made Derek himself want to be better. That of course was years ago and those feelings had long since vanished, or so he thought.

Now he was standing outside of a rundown motel trying not to look too suspicious as he waited for Stiles to return. Naturally Derek had beaten him to it, and it wasn't just for the fact that he was a werewolf no he suspected that Stiles would be out for some time. He was correct of course; it was sometime around 9 at night that the younger human returned still looking worn and shaken. The werewolf wasn't really sure what had happened all those years ago all he knew was that Stiles had been injured and left shortly after. While his curiosity had eaten at him like a maggot eats at rotten food he had let everything be. Scott's personal business was not of his concern; at least it hadn't been back then. Now he wished he had picked at that spot and gone and asked what happened, maybe then Stiles would have stayed or at least parted on good terms with his friends.

Derek wasn't going to lie to himself, at the time Stiles hadn't really been his friend heck he wondered if any of them had been his friend. Now however was a different story: his pack was more than that now, they where his family. To say that Derek matured would be an understatement he did more than grow up, he took responsibility for his actions. Which is what he was trying to do now. So okay he wasn't really taking responsibility for anything he had done since you know he had nothing to do with what had happened but tomorrow was an important day and he would damned if anything screwed his plans up. it was hard enough making deals and getting outside werewolves to join let alone ones that seemed as shifting and alone as the ones that he was meeting tomorrow morning.

With a sigh, that actually sounded more like a groan but there was no one around to listen so the werewolf was more than happy to tell himself it was a sigh, he shifted off the side of the wall and walked towards the room. Inside he heard Stiles moving about cursing to himself, his erratic heart like a drum in his ears. Oh how he wanted to calm that heart, not in a calm-his-heart-forever kill kind of way, just settle him. It was strange for Derek. The unwanted emotions he wasn't aware he had, since when had he become protective over Stiles? The man had been gone for years and Derek wasn't exactly one to exchange emails and keep in touch.

Still he needed to know what had happened if not for his own damn curiosity then to help the pack tomorrow when they would be jumpy. The last thing he needed was his pack to be on an emotional rollercoaster when he was about to add 2 more members to it.

The knock on the door was quiet and quick, nothing that suggested he was angry. Still he was surprised when Stiles pulled the door open with such force he expected the younger man to charge at him like some bull. Taking a step back Derek held up his hands and gave a small smile. Yes Derek Hale did smile.

"I only come in peace"

The other male looked surprised but not so shocked, more like he was expecting someone else. Then his face twisted into something else that Derek was unable to read.

"I would say no but even I know that wouldn't stop you" Letting out a sigh Stiles stepped aside motioning for Derek to enter.

The face that Stiles was pulling made it clear to the werewolf that he didn't really want him there. He was unsure if it was just him or people in general, though curious he did nothing to voice his thoughts. Instead he took four long steps into the small motel room arms still up like he was defending himself. In fasciations he watched as Stiles closed the door and pulled the chain across before moving to the window, it was then that Derek noticed how the room was set up and the small can in Stiles's hand.

"No one followed me if that's what you are worried about, and I'm not here to harm you. Just to talk... you still talk right?

Stiles only sighed tossing the small can onto the table and watching it roll right near the edge. If he had to guess Derek would assume that the can was filled with Wolfsbane but he didn't really want to rest his theory. Instead he lowered his hands slowly stuffing them into the pockets of his coat and mindlessly fiddling with the keys in his right pocket.

"Yes I still talk, clearly as there are words coming out of my mouth. Though I assume when you say talk you mean discussing and by that I assume you mean long winded talks about feelings and what not... yes I still talk"

The corner of Derek's lips twitched happy to see that Stiles was still somewhat the same as he was before. Knowing it was his turn to talk Derek moved to sit in one of only two chairs removing his hands from his pockets to rest on his legs. For a second he contemplated going about his task in another way, maybe tricking the younger man. However Stiles was far too smart for that so instead Derek decided to hit the nail head on so to speak.

"I need- want to know what happened years ago"

"No" Was all Stiles said before moving to the bed across from Derek his eyes somewhat cold which made the werewolf pull back. He was used to seeing Stiles sad, happy, determined, and sometimes he had this annoying look in his eyes. Never had he seen the younger man look so cold and withdrawn. Yet another reason he wanted to protect him.

"Listen. Tomorrow we have new pack members joining and the last thing I need is my own pack nervous and going through some emotional stress... I know you don't want to but I think it's for the best if you get it of your chest"

Leaning back in his chair his green eyes hooked onto the boy the same way a worm is hooked onto a well hook. He watched the emotions dance across the boy's face and it was obvious that Stiles was having some inner war with himself.

"I thought Scott would have told you or someone else"

"Scott didn't tell me anything and I never asked... not until now that is"

Running a hand through his hair Stiles shifted on the bed obviously not comfortable with where the conversation was going. Derek wasn't surprised; he had refused to talk about his family for years after the fire. He could only imagine what Stiles was going through.

When he did speak however Derek was frozen in his spot his blood running cold.

"Do... do you know what it feels like to die. I mean actually die, all black and numbness. Do you?" His brown eyes met his and Derek was faintly aware that he was holding his own breath.

"No" he whispered but it came out more as a choke.

"I do, I know the feeling pretty well. Died 3 times actually"


End file.
